Give a Dog a Bone! (short story)

May surveyed the endless rows of booths with a sense of boredom and dissatisfaction. Childless men and women from all over the country had converged in this giant warehouse to buy all sorts of brand new doggie treats, doggie diapers, doggie onezies, and other playthings for their beloved canines. She had never been to the Dog Enthusiast Consumer Expo (!) before, and now she knew why - no woman with any sense in her head would ever agree to come to such a freakshow of useless junk that no self-respecting dog would ever use more than once (if that). While walking alongside her husband, Mark, she idly stepped into a steaming pile of dog poop.

"Ahhh....what the fuck," muttered May under her breath while wiping her heels on a nearby booth's welcome mat. "Just my luck."

"Babe, look!" cried out Mark happily from around the corner. Still a bit steamed, May took a deep breath and went to see what Mark was up to. She found Mark furiously blowing into a whistle that was not producing any noise. "It's a doggie whistle!" he said triumphantly.

"Mark," May said calmly, "I've seen a dog whistle before. What makes this one so special?"

"It's on a key chain...so you can, you know, call for your dog on the go." answered Mark meekly.

May whipped out her free hand. "Mark, let's go," she said in the same firm voice she used to address Bobo, their pug. Now that the joy had been vacuum-sucked out of the room, Mark grudgingly grasped her free hand and joined her down yet another aisle of dog paraphenalia.

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A few aisles later, May and Mark stopped dead in their tracks when they spotted a different kind of booth. Noticing their interest, a man stepped forward from the booth and handed Mark his business card.

"Mr. Takeshi, at your service." he said with a polite half bow.

May read the card - Ahiro Takeshi, Takeshi Industries, Purveyor of Eros for Canines.

Incredulous, May surveyed the scene: on the shelves directly behind Mr. Takeshi stood half of dozen robotic dogs. She had seen robotic dogs before, but never anything like these. All of the robotic dogs were assuming, ahem, the position, and were anatomically correct. Which, of course, is nice way of saying that these robots were ready for some doggie-style action. May was horrified.

"So, what is it exactly that you're selling here?" asked Mark, clearly amused.

"Ahh yes," responded Mr. Takeshi. He removed one of the dogs from off the shelf and placed it gingerly in Mark's hands. "Our goal is to provide for the...intimate needs of male dogs. These robot dogs offer a real, safe sexual experience for your pet! May I ask - do you have a male dog?"

May stared in disbelief as Mark nodded in assent.

"Is it neutered?"

"Errr, no," answered Mark sheepishly with a grin. "It used to be a show dog, so we wanted Bobo (our dog) to keep his parts in case, you know, we wanted to extend his pedigree."

"Ah so." responded Mr. Takeshi.

"Mark," said May sternly. "Put down that dog, err, robot!"

Fed up with May's protests, Mark handed the robot female back to Mr. Takeshi. "Show me how this works."

"Certainly!" said Mr. Takeshi. Mr. Takeshi proceeded to show Mark how the dog worked - where to put in the batteries, how to clean it, and how to turn it on. With the flick of the switch, the robot's legs started moving and yapping, just like a real dog would.

"Mark!" said May, "It's a sex toy. For dogs. Are you really considering this for Bobo?!"

Ignoring the question, Mark simply turned to Mr. Takeshi and asked, "How much?"

"Nine hundred dollars, U.S."

Mark was startled at the price tag. Finally, May said to herself, some sense from this man.

Nervous at losing a sale, Mr. Takeshi reached for a nearby plastic bag. "I almost forgot! Please take a look at the interchangeable heads!" Mark was confused as he was handed the heads of a French poodle and a cocker spaniel.

Mr. Takeshi explained, "In Japan, we noted that dogs often get bored after a while of having the same partner. We thought, why not include interchangeable heads? Each head comes programmed with its own bark and personality, so that to the male dog, it will seem like a new partner. New partner means new experiences! It sounds a bit strange, but believe me, the dogs enjoy it very much."

"Makes sense..." said Mark in a voice that was soft but not soft enough to go unnoticed by May. Something inside May exploded in anger.

"MARK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" said May loud enough to quiet everyone within shouting distance.

"May, please," Mark implored, "you're causing a scene."

"Me? I'm causing a scene?!" May cackled, as if Mark had just made the funniest joke in the world. "I'm not the one checking out the robot vagina, ok? And...and..." May was almost in tears.

Mark drew closer to May. "Babe, what's wrong?"

"This is so wrong. You know. I was actually considering going along with you. Getting a sex robot for Bobo, fine, whatever. But interchangeable heads? You think that's cute? You wish you could do that in real life, huh, you motherfucker." A tear then escaped from May's eyes, and Mark knew that he had messed up. May started to push Mark back. "You wish you could just, SWITCH ME with someone new, don't you, you faggot. You fucking faggot...!"

Just then, a security guard arrived at the scene. "Excuse me, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave..."

"No, it's okay, I was just leaving." May interrupted. She turned to Mark, "I'll be...in the car...when you figure things out over here." May then left with the security guard without another word.

Still a bit stunned, Mark apologized profusely to Mr. Takeshi. "I'm sorry...she gets like that sometimes. She's sensitive, y'know...women."

"No need to apologize, sir." said Mr. Takeshi. Now that the sale seemed out of reach, Mr. Takeshi decided to give him one last pitch. "Okay, no interchangeable heads. How about a special deal - seven hundred U.S.?"

Mark chuckled and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Takeshi. But Bobo is just going to have to be as miserable and pathetic as the rest of us." With that, Mark gave a little bow of his own and then turned to go find his wife.